Just down the hallway from the sauna and karaoke room, the Senate complex has a bulletin board where notices and advertisements are posted for the benefit of Senators. Some recently removed announcements seem to have been recovered from the parliamentary trash cans and are being used as paper bags for kluai thot.
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The Senate Secretariat is becoming aware that with the rising cost of living, the care and maintenance of ‘informal dependents’ (aka ‘a bit on the side’) is becoming burdensome for many Senators, despite their salaries, allowances and other sources of extracurricular income.
Senators are therefore informed that a special Police Training and Recruitment Programme is now available. You can enrol your significant others in this programme (no more than 3 shagmates per Senator). They will be enlisted as police officers and will therefore draw a government salary, with good prospects for promotion.
Their job assignments will be 24-hours-a day ‘full body service’ to protect Senators from unwanted stress.
Police salaries are not high, of course, but successful candidates can be sure of extra income by the usual means and will enjoy immunity from prosecution. In exceptional circumstances a tour of duty in high-risk areas can be arranged with the concomitant additional perks (but without any actual duties to perform).
Educational and professional qualifications will be waived, as will age limits, on payment of a small commission.
Contact the Secretariat’s Office for Nepotism and Affairs and ask for Nui.
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Seminar on Parliamentary Procrastination
Senators are advised that voting down any legislation that has been passed by the House of Representatives risks accusations of anti-democratic behaviour and may lead to calls for political reform that includes abolition of an appointed Senate.
However, some of the bills being proposed are anathema to all right-thinking, loyal, conservative dinosaurs and must never see the light of day.
A seminar has therefore been organized on ways to block laws without formally voting against them. Experienced lawmakers from past military-appointed legislatures will share their expertise on delaying tactics so that a bill will fail to complete its final reading before the parliamentary session ends and the bill’s sponsors will have to start all over again.
Participants will learn about drafting alternative bills; the correct use of vague and ill-defined language in the law; reserving opinions during the committee stage; and basic and advanced filibustering.
Senators are encouraged to register for the Seminar with the Senate Secretariat.
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Senators are respectfully reminded that their participation in the daily ceremony before the start of business is encouraged. Attendance at recent ceremonies has been disappointing to say the least, with some ceremonies attended only by Senate Secretariat staff who are contractually obliged to take part.
The ceremony is intended to remind Senators of their obligatory reverence for the Nation, Monarchy and Religions and their commitment to uphold and maintain the Constitution by acting always in a righteous and proper manner.
It is feared that poor attendance reflects badly on the Senate as an institution and will lead the public to believe that Senators just don’t care and couldn’t be bothered. It is hoped that in future, enough participants will at least give the impression that Senators are doing their job.
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Are you troubled by unsightly scars, bruises and burns?
Are you afraid someone will report you to the police for abusing your domestic staff?
Military recruitment could be the answer to your prayers. For a modest contribution, military recruiters will enrol your domestics into the armed forces. Their positions will be listed as ‘personal attendants,’ they will be excused basic training and they will immediately be sent back to work for you.
Any marks of torture and ill-treatment will then be regarded as the result of military discipline and there is a well-rehearsed cover-up procedure for all such cases.
And as a bonus, the taxpayer will now be paying for your employees’ wages!
Contact the Senate Committee on Military Affairs and ask for Nat.