MPs the world over, as we all know, are terribly overworked and underpaid servants of their constituents, constantly striving for the betterment of their voters and the nation as a whole, with no thought of personal gain or glory. And nowhere more so than in the Mother of Parliaments at Westminster.
To see how this plays in real life, Prachatai has obtained a recording of a common-or-garden British MP at work in his constituency office. An expert in multi-tasking, he is at the same time interviewing a constituent, coordinating with his constituency agent and taking a call from an important businessman whose support he hopes to obtain. The tape appears to have recorded only the MP’s words. This makes the transcript a little incoherent at times but readers will be able to gain from this a sense of MPs’ dedication and commitment to democratic ideals.
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So Mr Witherspoon, I understand that you’ve lost your job. Yes, terrible, I know, but there are thousands like you and, just a moment, will you?
Barry, I have these receipts that I have to claim. Could you get the form and enter the details for my signature? Much obliged.
But your problem isn’t so much the unemployment as your benefits, as far as I understand your letter. What exactly is the problem?
[The tape has the sound of a mobile phone with a ring tone of ‘My Way’]
Excuse me. Geoffrey, so good of you to call back. How’s tricks?
No, no, I meant “how’s things”. I never knew her name was Trixie. I didn’t even know she existed.
Wow, er, well, I suppose I still don’t, eh, nudge, nudge, wink, wink? Sorry, just a sec.
Well, Barry, they’re on your desk somewhere, I just this minute put them down. The top one will be the bill for the patio extension.
Right well, while we’re on the topic, how is the little woman?
No, Mr Witherspoon, please, there’s no need to leave. I’d prefer to get you out of the way today, if you see what I mean. You have a problem with the means test, is that right?
Yes, could you just hold a minute Geoffrey? It’s about this bill to make executive golden parachutes tax-free. But I’ve got a constituent with me at the moment but I can get shut of him in a couple of ticks.
No, Mr Witherspoon, that’s not what I meant at all. Your benefits I think we were talking about.
I see. So you’ve declared your redundancy payment and that puts you over the limit so you don’t qualify for reimbursement of care costs for your mother. And what’s her problem?
Yes, Barry, that’s the stuff. A Tesco bill on top? Oh right I forgot. Funds getting a bit low so I thought I’d claim for the weekly groceries.
Poor old dear. But Mr Witherspoon, if your assets exceed the limit …
Ah, so you’ve declared your redundancy money, so you’re technically over the top, but you haven’t actually received any redundancy money. And your former employer is bankrupt so you don’t expect to get it.
No, Geoffrey, I was wondering if you needed any questions asked in the House, amendments tabled, that sort of thing. Give it moment’s thought, will you?
So Mr Witherspoon, if you never got the redundancy money and you probably never will, ..
OK, certainly never will, why on earth did you declare it?
Sorry, Barry, you’ve lost me. Isn’t my London flat my designated first home?
The benefits office told you that’s what the rules said? But, Mr Witherspoon, surely you don’t follow the rules just because some official says you have to.
Well, OK, Geoffrey, as long as you understand I’ll have to charge you more for an amendment than a question in the House? That’s just the way of the market I’m afraid.
So I can’t claim the patio extension because my home here is my second home? Well, just flip them. Once you’ve got the London flat furnishings paid for, make that my second home and then we can then claim the patio, n’est-ce pas? Come on, Barry, basic accounting is that.
Well, Mr Witherspoon, if you insist on following the regulations, I don’t see how I can help you.
So Geoffrey how far has your Board got on that little matter we discussed earlier?
Sorry, Barry, if I flip homes, I can’t claim the mortgage on the flat? I see. Well, just claim a mortgage for the house here. Yes, I know I’m not paying it any more, but I did once, so where’s the difference?
No, Geoffrey, I didn’t mean the contribution to the party, welcome as that always is. No, I was wondering about the chances of a seat on the Board when I jack this game in.
Mr Witherspoon, I am shocked. We can’t go changing the rules just for your benefit. I don’t think you understand. Obedience of the law and morality constitute the bedrock of the democracy we enjoy in this country.
About author: Bangkokians with long memories may remember his irreverent column in The Nation in the 1980's. During his period of enforced silence since then, he was variously reported as participating in a 999-day meditation retreat in a hill-top monastery in Mae Hong Son (he gave up after 998 days), as the Special Rapporteur for Satire of the UN High Commission for Human Rights, and as understudy for the male lead in the long-running ‘Pussies -not the Musical' at the Neasden International Palladium (formerly Park Lane Empire).
And if you believe any of those stories, you might believe his columns.
