The content in this page ("Atchoo, atchoo, we all fall down" by Harrison George) is not produced by Prachatai staff. Prachatai merely provides a platform, and the opinions stated here do not necessarily reflect those of Prachatai.

Atchoo, atchoo, we all fall down

I don’t know how I keep getting the wrong end of stick, but I thought cramming schools were so-called on account of what they tried to do to their students’ heads. You know, at no little expense, cram them full of all the things they should have been crammed with for free at their regular schools.

But when the government ordered the closure of cramming schools as an anti-flu measure, and then criticized the BMA for closing the ordinary schools, I realized that the ‘cram’ in ‘cramming’ must refer to the way the bodies are packed into classes, and not facts into heads. 
 
I mean, your average classroom in a Bangkok school is already pretty crowded. If that is safe enough not to worry about catching a cold from the nose in the next desk, then for cramming schools to get singled out as a health danger, they must really be tightly packed.
 
But then again, it could just be a subtle ploy by the government to use the flu outbreak as an excuse for the sort of social engineering that would not pass muster in normal times. 
 
They have also used the same pretext to go after the video game shops where, to be honest, the kids are about as spread out as the people sitting behind the serried ranks of desks in the average government office. And the bureaucracy has not been told to stay home for fear of falling ill.
 
Prachatai has also learned of other government schemes to scare people away from activities they disapprove of by pressing the flu pandemic panic button.
 
The Department of Communicable Disease Control, for example, has been commissioned to produce a study showing that the wearing of red shirts facilitates the transmission of the H1N1 virus. 
 
It had not been previously known that viruses were colour-sensitive, but additional research also proves that wearing yellow shirts seems to operate as a prophylaxis, and the effect is enhanced if the yellow-shirt wearers gather in groups and wave hand-clappers.  It is hypothesized that the virus gets trapped between the two flaps of the clappers and is thus effectively destroyed.
 
Another activity that increases vulnerability to the flu, according to secret government plans, is signing a pardon petition for Thaksin Shinawatra. Although signing a petition is inappropriate and improper (though not actually illegal), and drags the institution into politics (unlike, for example, PAD calls for HM to appoint a replacement Prime Minister under Section 7 of the last constitution), it also turns out to be a danger to health.
 
The exact mode of transmission is still under study, but the government is convinced that any voter who signs the petition is seriously risking their health and well-being. ISOC officials have bravely volunteered to scan the lists of signatories and personally inform each of them of the dangers they are risking.
 
The ‘Volunteers to Protect Justice’ spy scheme of the Ministry of Justice is also being deployed as part of the government’s anti-flu strategy. It is well known that a penchant for lèse majesté remarks and corruption parallel the symptoms of swine flu. Volunteer spies, starting with Spy Number 1, the Prime Minister, are therefore being asked to report any cases of suspicious sneezing for further investigation.
 
Other activities that are known to correlate highly with catching swine flu and for which the government will be proposing counter-measures include protesting in Phuket, serving as a member of the Board of the Foreign Correspondents Club of Thailand, and being Cambodian. 
 
Oh yes, and writing satirical columns for Prachatai.
 
Atchoo!

About author: Bangkokians with long memories may remember his irreverent column in The Nation in the 1980's. During his period of enforced silence since then, he was variously reported as participating in a 999-day meditation retreat in a hill-top monastery in Mae Hong Son (he gave up after 998 days), as the Special Rapporteur for Satire of the UN High Commission for Human Rights, and as understudy for the male lead in the long-running ‘Pussies -not the Musical' at the Neasden International Palladium (formerly Park Lane Empire).

Since 2007, Prachatai English has been covering underreported issues in Thailand, especially about democratization and human rights, despite the risk and pressure from the law and the authorities. However, with only 2 full-time reporters and increasing annual operating costs, keeping our work going is a challenge. Your support will ensure we stay a professional media source and be able to expand our team to meet the challenges and deliver timely and in-depth reporting.

• Simple steps to support Prachatai English

1. Bank transfer to account “โครงการหนังสือพิมพ์อินเทอร์เน็ต ประชาไท” or “Prachatai Online Newspaper” 091-0-21689-4, Krungthai Bank

2. Or, Transfer money via Paypal, to e-mail address: [email protected], please leave a comment on the transaction as “For Prachatai English”