Shoot first, ask no questions later

 In a dramatic late night speech to the nation, Prime Minister Abhisit Vejjajiva announced that Thai Special Forces had killed The Evil One (TEO) in a daring and successful operation in Montenegro.

The PM said that a long-term goal of this administration had now been achieved. One of the major sources of disunity and divisiveness in the nation had been eliminated and therefore all Thais could look forward to a future of prosperity, unity and order. And just in time for the elections.

The operation to remove TEO had been planned for a long time, said the PM, and had been carried out by Thai forces alone, without help from anyone else and without the prior knowledge of the Montenegrin government. This was perfectly in accordance with international law as Thailand understands it and no protest was expected from Montenegro. In fact, the PM had instructed the Foreign Ministry to find or fabricate some way of prosecuting Montenegro at the International Criminal Court for harbouring a known perpetrator of crimes against humanity.

In a follow-up briefing, a military spokesman explained that Thai Navy Seals, transported from their Sattahip base to Montenegro in the Navy’s newly acquired second-hand submarines, had assaulted a luxury mansion situated on its own island off the coast.

Doubts about the mansion had been raised when it was discovered that it had a standing account with a nearby Chinese restaurant, which regularly delivered gourmet meals by speedboat. Suspiciously expensive designer clothes had also been spotted on the washing line. The final clue came when undercover agents managed to discover (from the local land office) that TEO was officially registered as owner and occupier.

Initially, the military reported that TEO was shot after resisting arrest, using an actress-cum-model as a human shield. Later it was revealed that TEO was unarmed but had attempted to thwart the raid by throwing wads of cash at the attackers. This ploy had failed and he was shot in the body and head. The actress had been wounded in cross-fire between the attackers and unarmed defenders.

The identity of TEO was confirmed when members of the raiding team located his bank book and checked the balance. This was exactly what the Ministry of Finance had said it should be, making it certain that the Seals had got their man.

The raiding party removed the corpse of TEO when they withdrew after first handing over wounded members of the household to the Montenegrin health authorities in accordance with international humanitarian law. Rather than give any opportunity for a shrine to TEO to attract and encourage dissident elements, the body had been buried at sea from HTMS Chakri Naruebet, stationed in the Mediterranean.

The media were given photographs of the PM and his security advisors grouped in front of a screen, allegedly watching live coverage as the raid took place. The tension on their faces is palpable, except for Deputy PM Suthep Thaugsuban, who appears to be salivating.

The official story quickly began to unravel. Observers quickly pointed out that it would have taken months to travel by submarine from Sattahip to Montenegro and in any case, Thailand hadn’t taken delivery of any subs yet. HTMS Chakri Naruebet had also left Sattahip port only once in the past few weeks, for its once-a-month training trip. Since the ship was back in port before nightfall, it could not possibly have travelled to the Mediterranean and back.

Reporters visiting the purported site of the raid could find no evidence that anything had happened. Locals said all had been quiet as normal and no armed men or submarines had been seen. The Montenegrin authorities also denied that any raid had taken place.

Deputy PM Suthep quickly intervened here, asking why anyone had to listen to what farangs said, when everyone knew they could not be trusted, were all part of an international anti-Thai conspiracy, and knew nothing about Thailand.

Bloggers had also taken a closer look at the reflection in a mirror at the back of the room where Abhisit’s security advisors had supposedly been watching the raid. Computer-generated blow-ups show that the assembled leaders had in fact been watching an episode of Dok Som Si Thong, since the image of Reya Wongsawet appeared clearly. This was thought to explain the Deputy PM’s reaction.

Perhaps the biggest challenge to the official account came when the familiar figure later addressed the latest red shirt rally by video link, refuting all claims that he had been killed.

Asked to explain the apparent discrepancies in the official story and TEO’s re-appearance after his alleged murder, a government spokesperson said that in their desperation, the forces of republican evil had resorted to a double, noting that it was typical for the opposition to use such despicable underhand methods when an election was in the offing.

All true Thais would understand the truth, he said. And since the matter had already been explained perfectly, he ordered the media to ask no further questions.

Very nice! Made me laugh out

Very nice! Made me laugh out loud. Thanks very much, HG.

A good post. It has the

A good post. It has the advantage of turning out to be a bad dream woken up from for Thais.

For us citizens of the NATO countries, assassins of, so far, one child and three grandchildren of TEO-Libya, and especially of the USA, led by our Nobel Peace Prize Laureate slash Harvard Constitutional Law Professor slash Assassin in Chief droning on about his most recent assassination of TEO-Saudi Arabia with more to come, soon, while our American brothers and sisters dance in the streets... for us it is not a nightmare to be woken up from but reality, staring us in the mirror.

Very good report. I thought

Very good report. I thought this would rival Not The Nation in style.

The truth is they could not even arrest Arisman who was lowered down from
a hotel's upper floors. The nearest they could do was trying to get the flight
schedule of Mr. T flying out of Cambodia.

Great story.Abbisit,and his

Great story.Abbisit,and his lap dog couldnt even pull off arresting good old seh dang they had to sniper him in thier well nown cowardly manner,just when they had to send in the same cowardly muppet thai army to violently remove the peaceful red shirts.The lap dog suthep says that falangs cant be trusted and now nothing about thailand we probably now more about ur country than you.Thailand is the laughing stock of asia now.Abbisit and his yellowshirt kasit tried to even scramble 2 f16s to utopo airport to shoot down PM Taxsins plane.We in europe now all your moves even with ur media control.Soon abbisit will be bought to justice as an english born dictator.Thailand does not need people like abbisits regime or his hidden hand shakes of general Prem and the red lipped lady.Wake up time for justice,look at the unrest in the world.Once Thailand was the LAND OF SMILES,sadly not anymore.Pad even caused along with abbisits regime a war with peaceful cambodia,who has strong allies with vietnam etc,thailand now ur alone.

The so called Democrats need

The so called Democrats need Thaksin more than the Red Shirts. [Vote for us or big bad Thaksin will come back and rob Thailand.] With out Thaksin the Red Shirts would have to find a new leader and in so doing would get many more suporters.