Right, I’ve had enough. I’m sick up to here with this mindless ‘if you don’t like it here, then go and live somewhere else’ garbage.

So what about you? If you don’t like reading this stuff, why don’t you go and live somewhere else where they don’t write like this? Never thought of that, did you, eh?

Of course, this is on the internet, so I suppose it’s everywhere. But nobody’s forcing you to read it. You had the sense to know how to turn on your computer and navigate to this page, right? So how come you don’t have the wit to turn your computer off? Huh?

Or maybe you are one of these people who get their jollies from being outraged. Righteous indignation gives you such a bigger thrill than anything you might agree with, is that your problem?

Don’t worry, you’re not alone. When fans of the original shock jock Howard Stern were asked why they stayed tuned, they reported they wanted to know what he’d say next. The same poll found that people who hated him stayed tuned even longer, because they too wanted to know what he’d say next.

And what’s this gratuitously insulting reference to ‘your Thai sweetie’? Are you referring to my eminently respectable, highly educated and universally well-regarded wife of 37 years?

Pardon, dear?

38? Are you sure?

Yes of course I remember when we got married, darling, I buy roses every anniversary, don’t I?

No, don’t take it like that, it’s just that I thought we got married in, er, 19, er …

No don’t lock the door, dear. I was misled by your youthful good looks, my sweetheart. It was just a slip of the memory, of course it’s 38 years, I remember now. 38 absolutely wonderful years, in fact, and why are you packing a suitcase?

Bugger. See what you’ve done now with your stupid ‘sweetie’ comment?

And who are you calling ‘Mr Farang’? Look, I’m not so stupid that I assume that just because someone calls himself ‘Somchai’, he must be Thai. Or even a he. Oh no, I could see that coming a mile away. So why do you assume that Harrison George has to be farang? Eh? You fall off a Christmas tree or something?

Yes, I know you’re not the only saying ‘love it or leave it’. It’s a common refrain of mindless patriots around the world. There’s the Commander-in-Chief of the bleeding army for one, and anyone choosing to sing off his hymn sheet must a few satang short of a baht.

I mean, he keeps telling people who complain about something, Thais and foreigners alike, to go and live somewhere else. But doesn’t he realize that by saying this, he’s complaining himself?

So if he doesn’t like people complaining, why doesn’t the good General find somewhere else to live where they don’t complain? Like North Korea, maybe. And leave the rest of us to get on with our complaining in peace without his constant threats. I mean, it’s not like he owns this country, is it?

Isn’t it?

And what’s this about me not liking to live in an ‘absurd’ country? This is satire, or hadn’t you noticed? If there’s nothing absurd going on, how am I going to earn an honest crust?

Mind you, you don’t want it to get so absurd it starts making fun of itself. Like a Deputy Prime Minister prancing about in some bizarre bare-breasted ancient costume and calling fellow citizens garbage. Stuff like that is bloody hard to satirize, let me tell you.

Now if you’re looking for someone who should go away and live in his own world, there’s your man.

Or maybe he already has.