Strange things are happening in the world of Thai secrets.

We've long been used to the secret budget of the security forces, which is spent on secret things used in secret operations. And things like Free Trade Agreement negotiations have always been conducted on the shadows, supposedly to give negotiators a freer hand, even if they seem to be more interested in keeping their own people in the dark than the suits on the other side of the negotiating table.

But more secrets are spilling out.

On 30 October, in the provincial courts of Chumphon, Surat Thani and Ranong, 85 Muslim men who had been detained under emergency powers and then forced into 4-month occupational training at Army bases, were declared free to leave the training. However, in the course of the trial, a military witness revealed a secret that had not until then been known to the detainees - that the 4^th Army commander had, 3 months earlier, signed an order forbidding the men to return to their homes in the 3 southernmost provinces.

Now this is an interesting situation. The Army bans these people from their home provinces, and then does not tell them, presumably because they are effectively already detained by the Army in camps outside these provinces. Only when it looks like Thai law, the constitution and Thailand's international human rights commitments are going to get in the way of the Army's penchant for bossing folk about does it become necessary to reveal all.

What's the point of banning someone from doing something you're already preventing them from doing anyway? And, more to the point, what's the point of keeping this a secret, even from the people being banned?

Then just this week, the government was obliged by Article 90 of the new constitution to send to the National Legislative Assembly a draft ASEAN Charter for approval. The draft Charter has ‘Confidential' stamped at the top of every page as the copy courageously posted by Prachatai on this website shows. Apparently the ASEAN governments had agreed among themselves that the people of ASEAN are better off not knowing what the governments of ASEAN are doing for them, in their name, and at their expense.

When secrets start popping out like this, you may start wondering how many other secrets are out there. My diligent enquiries, using a vast network of highly reliable and informed sources, can now reveal some of these hitherto secret secrets.

For example, in a cunningly subtle attempt to make Bangkok traffic move faster, the traffic police have secretly ordered all newly registered cars to be fitted with a secret hypnotic or mesmerizing device. This device is triggered secretly in all vehicles waiting at a red light, approximately 0.15 milliseconds after the light changes to green. This has the effect of giving all drivers the irresistible urge to sound their horn, because the car in front of them, even if it is a good hundred metres from the light, hasn't yet started to move.

Department stores have similarly started using a secret new gas that is secretly squirted at customers the moment they step off the down escalator on the ground floor. The retailers, you see, are afraid that these customers will, unless prevented, walk straight for the exit and leave the store. This would be a complete waste of the millions of baht the stores spend in advertising, training the middle classes to be perfect consumers. The effect of the gas is to momentarily activate that part of the brain that makes you want to stop dead in your tracks and slowly plan the rest of your day.

Another secret scheme involves the painting of bicycle lanes on the pavements of major roads in Bangkok. Clearly this can have nothing to do with promoting the use of bicycles, since to use these lanes one would have to pedal through noodle-stall tables, assorted outdoor workshops dealing in dressmaking, shoe repair, motorcycle maintenance, etc, and most of the Rolex outlets in Bangkok. To say nothing of police barricades placed across the lanes with signs saying that parking is not allowed on pavements. (This only forces the cars to park on the pavement in the next block, which is another thing you can't ride a bicycle through). This is suspected to be a secret initiative by the Ministry of Commerce to boost the sale of paint, since in addition to the bicycle lanes, the markings for bus lanes, parking restrictions, and pedestrian crossings are also obviously for decorative purposes only.

The list of secrets goes and on and on and how far it goes is itself, of course, a secret. One can only admire the skill and ingenuity of both the public and private sectors for safeguarding their secrets. In fact, it puts to shame those sections of society that can't keep a secret. Like who is going to win the election next month.

You mean you don't know? Oh, that was decided by the generals ages ago.

That's why they call it a general election.