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Don’t Answer the Question

 

Elections are here. Time to dust off the discreet envelopes, grease the old networks and practise the political skills.

 

One of which is how to deal with the press. Let us eavesdrop on the refresher course for would-be MPs at the campaign headquarters of an unnamed political party, where the trainer is, perhaps unadvisedly, attempting a participatory approach.

 

Trainer: So, questions from the media. Anyone got any general ideas about how to answer questions from the press?

 

Member of the audience: Buy the newspaper and get one of the flaks to write the interview just the way you want it. (General laughter)

 

T (with slightly embarrassed smile): Well, yes, that might work with one newspaper, but we would prefer a broader coverage, wouldn't we? So, anyone else, how would you answer a press question?

 

Audience: You don't. You just say what you want to say regardless of the question.

 

T: Yes, very good. But unfortunately some reporters actually listen to what you say and might notice. So what if they persist and ask the same question again?

 

A: Just give the same answer again?

 

T: Oh no, that could be dangerous. People might start to notice it has nothing to do with the question. Any more ideas?

 

A: Ask the silly buggers what paper they work for, say you know the editor and if they don't stop asking stupid questions, you'll get them fired.

 

T (another embarrassed smile): Well, yes, that is a tactic that could be used by party leaders. Or even proxy leaders. But as a threat it might lack a certain credibility coming from the rest of you.

 

A: Well, you say, ‘That's not really the question, the question really is ...' And then you say the second thing that you want to say.

 

T: Excellent. But what if you've got one of those really keen reporters ... (General groaning from the audience). Yes, we'll be trying to keep them away from you but you never know. One might slip through and say something like ‘The people have the right to know.'

 

A: That's easy. Even old whatisnose can deal with that. You say ‘Show me the list of names of people who want to know'.

 

T: Right, spot on. Very good.

 

A: And if they keep pestering you like you were in court or something, you ask them if they're behaving ratty because they didn't get any last night. (Raucous laughter)

 

T: Er, well, that tactic's not going down too well. So perhaps I could show you something else. Now, does anyone know the Reagan gambits?

 

(General confusion. No one seems to know which constituency this Re-kaen is contesting, or, more importantly, how much money he's got to spend.)

 

T: No, no. President Reagan. Of America.

 

A: I thought it was somebody called Butch.

 

T: Erm, yes, Butch, I mean Bush, came later. Twice actually. But never mind, Reagan had 2 clever tricks which meant he never had to remember what his policy was on anything.

 

(More confused mumblings as the assembled politicians try to remember what a policy looks like.)

 

T: Er, let's try to stay focussed here. Well, you see, Reagan, when he was asked a tricky question, like ‘How do you feel today, sir', might start off on a long rambling anecdote about somebody he knew when he was a baseball commentator or something like that. Very folksy. People loved it and soon forgot he wasn't answering the question.

 

Rather unimaginative candidate: But none of us have ever been baseball commentators.

 

T: Er, yes, well, OK, there's the other thing that Reagan used to do. If he was asked a question about economics or budget or anything to do with numbers, ... (The audience starts to frown - apart from votes and the money you need to buy them, they don't understand much about numbers) ... he'd start talking about this imaginary golf ball, and explain how you could cut it into so many pieces ... (The crowd is getting restless) Oops, look at the time. Well, that's all I have time for. The training schedule says you've now got an hour with the Kamnan Association who'll be telling you their plans for spotting vote-buying. Oh, just one last thing. If you're one of the Yoobamrung sons, or any of the sons of famous politicians, you've no need to remember all this I've been saying. You can answer all questions in the same way. Just say, ‘Do you know who my father is?'

 

 

 

About author:  Bangkokians with long memories may remember his irreverent column in The Nation in the 1980's. During his period of enforced silence since then, he was variously reported as participating in a 999-day meditation retreat in a hill-top monastery in Mae Hong Son (he gave up after 998 days), as the Special Rapporteur for Satire of the UN High Commission for Human Rights, and as understudy for the male lead in the long-running ‘Pussies -not the Musical' at the Neasden International Palladium (formerly Park Lane Empire).

And if you believe any of those stories, you might believe his columns

 

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