The content in this page ("A bridge too low; an idea too far – out" by Harrison George) is not produced by Prachatai staff. Prachatai merely provides a platform, and the opinions stated here do not necessarily reflect those of Prachatai.

A bridge too low; an idea too far – out

Perhaps this is what comes of appointing an Air Chief Marshal as Minister of Transport.  If the General formerly known as Prayuth Chan-ocha had chosen an Admiral, I don’t think the idea of raising the three oldest bridges over the Chao Phraya would ever have seen the light of day. 

The government of newly-monickered Gen Prayut Chan-o-cha would then have been spared the embarrassment of the nation’s top engineers saying well, yes, it would technically be possible, but it would cost a mint (sufficiency economy, anyone?), would disrupt traffic over the bridges for months on end causing massive commuter misery (bringing happiness to the people, anyone?) and would be a solution to a problem that no one seems to think is all that important (logic, anyone?) .

There are rumours that the ACM-cum-Minister is now thinking of a different way to solve this non-existent difficulty – by lowering the level of water in the river instead.  But his first suggestion of excavating the bed of the river under the bridges was scotched when it was pointed out that water being what it is, you could dredge to any depth, and it would just fill up again. 

It was reported that Gen Pra-yut Ch-an-o-cha then advised the Minister to coordinate expert advice.  In addition to the Ministry’s own Marine Department, he should seek opinions from, for example, the Meteorological Department (to reduce the amount of rainfall in the country), the Contract Bridge League of Thailand (because it had to do with bridges and there were bound to be contracts involved), and the Revenue Department (since they had most experience in keeping the rest of the country afloat).

These consultations were not as fruitful as hoped.  Experts from the Royal Irrigation Department, reverting to their stock answer for every question, suggested pairs of small dams, one above and one below each bridge, and some very large pumps. 

When questioned about how this would ease traffic on the river, they pointed to their extensive experience with fish ladders on dams like the Pak Mun and suggested something similar could be arranged, at a cost.  The fish ladders didn’t really work for fish, but maybe it was worth seeing if wagon-trains of rice barges could negotiate them.

Prime Minister Gen Pr-a-y-ut Ch-an-o-ch-a had asked the cabinet to send loads of proposals to the National Legislative Assembly.  What’s the use of a rubber stamp assembly, after all, if there is nothing to stamp your rubber on?  So river bridge clearance is not the only picayune problem that the Minister of Transport is reportedly busy working on. 

After receiving a complaint from an elderly citizen about the difficulty of climbing pedestrian bridges around Bangkok, the Minister ordered a feasibility study on reducing the number of steps for each bridge to something that senior citizens would find more manageable. 

The engineers’study noted that while this scheme was eminently feasible of itself, and would undoubtedly bring happiness to the less athletic members of the walking public, it would necessarily entail lowering the height of the footbridges.  This would make it difficult for taller vehicles to pass under them.  Buses, garbage trucks, cement mixers, tuk-tuks delivering to Pratunam market and extremely tall motorcyclists were singled out for consideration.

The study concluded that garbage trucks were smelly and therefore beneath consideration, the tuk-tuks could be flipped onto their sides, slid under and tipped back up again (a manoeuvre that they already practise from time to time), and tall motorcyclists could choose between simply ducking and being beheaded. 

Buses could be accommodated by removing their tops, taking out all the seats and warning passengers to lie flat whenever they passed under a newly lowered bridge, though the operators of air-conditioned services feared that they might lose market share as a result.

But cement mixers posed a different level of complexity.  Curtailing in any way the construction of luxury condominiums and more desperately needed shopping malls in Bangkok was out of the question given the number of the ACM’s friends and colleagues with interests in the building industry.  The most recent reports say that planners are looking into the possibility of installing some form of drawbridge for part of the span.

Another source of bright ideas for PM P-r-a-y-u-t C-h-a-n-o-c-h-a is the Ministry of Tourism and Sports.  The Minister (with proven expertise in managing the family businesses, being married to a high-ranking police officer and being a token female) has suggested wristbands to protect tourists from being robbed, raped or murdered, a ‘buddy’ system of willing Thai companions to make sure tourists frequent the correct commercial establishments, and special party sites where tourists can safely do what they came to Thailand to do – and then be safely arrested for it. 

The fatuous nature of these proposals had one commentator shaking his head in disbelief.  ‘What will this lot think up next?’ he asked.  ‘Touting martial law as a tourist attraction?’

 


About author:  Bangkokians with long memories may remember his irreverent column in The Nation in the 1980's. During his period of enforced silence since then, he was variously reported as participating in a 999-day meditation retreat in a hill-top monastery in Mae Hong Son (he gave up after 998 days), as the Special Rapporteur for Satire of the UN High Commission for Human Rights, and as understudy for the male lead in the long-running ‘Pussies -not the Musical' at the Neasden International Palladium (formerly Park Lane Empire).

 

 

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