Examination on Civic Leadership and General Sense of Superiority
To be taken by Prime Ministers, Test Writers for Civic Duty classes, Administrators of Triam Udom Suksa School who are not psychiatrists but can still diagnose mental illness from test answers, and True Believers in True Thainess.
You must answer all questions by marking the correct choice with a B2 pencil only. Any attempt to give an explanation for your answers, any comments on the questions, or any other expression of intelligence will automatically lead to a failing score. The decisions of the test administrators are final and any dissent will lead to prosecution in a military court.
- The one and only proper way of testing, whether you are trying to test memory, physical or mental skills, reasoning (both inductive and deductive), judgement and discernment, wisdom, aesthetic sensibility, or mental attitudes such as patriotism, obedience, and a preference for communal ignorance, is:
A multiple-choice tests, no matter what the subject is, where any number of the alternatives is correct (including none).
B training teachers to become aware of their students’ various competencies, (intellectual, emotional, physical, etc.) and to be capable of producing an insightful, comprehensive and unbiased written assessment of each student.
C a battery of tests, each appropriate to the ability being measured, without the results necessarily being quantified numerically and definitely without them being aggregated and averaged into a meaningless ‘overall score’.
D multiple-choice tests, no matter what the subject is, where any number of the alternatives is correct (including none).
- A true Thai student is:
A someone who can recite flawlessly the 12 core values, wear the correct uniform and keep their blasted hormones under control.
B someone who believes exactly what good people tell them they should believe.
C someone who can think for themselves and who refuses to answer test questions that imply that conformity with the beliefs of those in authority is the only correct thing to believe.
D a piece of make-believe.
- Strict obedience to the rule of law means:
A violating the supreme law of the land, the constitution, while demanding that everyone else observe laws that you yourself write. And then re-write.
B observing all laws, rules and regulations, except the ones that relate to driving motorcycles on the footpath, using mobile phones while driving, submitting to breathalyser tests, or any other traffic law that might make driving less of a privileged convenience. Especially if you drive an illegally imported supercar and/or have a certain kind of family name on your driving licence.
C ignoring all the international laws which Thailand has ratified whenever these do not conform to Thailand’s commercial interests, the normal way that Thais do things, or the need for the country’s leadership to save face.
D something that your political opponents must do but from which you and your political allies are exempt.
- Psychiatric illness can be diagnosed by:
A trained medical professionals based on a careful and studied diagnosis of the patient’s behaviour which is analysed in terms of clinical definitions.
B the fact that the flaming lunatic in front is driving like a drain.
C any supervisor, superior officer, teacher or person wearing a uniform based on a single action by a subordinate, student, member of an ethnic minority or foreigner which fails to conform to popular prejudice.
D that fact that I am the Prime Minister which means I am in charge and you will do what I say and if you keep criticising all the time, then don’t blame me if the lights go out or there is no water in the taps while you are flooded out of house and home and the country gets invaded and taken over by somebody with a whole fleet of submarines, for heaven’s sake, I’m doing my very best here and if you don’t like it, you can find somewhere else to live and can’t you see we’re all good people, are you all mad?
- Reading the Alien Thoughts column is:
A good way for Thai student practice Engilsh such as spellings, grammar and reading comprehension as well as grammar etc. Moreover.
B well he’s got to be funny eventually so might as well give it another go.
C not advised unless under the supervision of a responsible adult.
D prohibited for all censors, military or otherwise.
Warning: Candidates who fail to answer all 6 questions correctly will suffer immediate promotion.
About author: Bangkokians with long memories may remember his irreverent column in The Nation in the 1980's. During his period of enforced silence since then, he was variously reported as participating in a 999-day meditation retreat in a hill-top monastery in Mae Hong Son (he gave up after 998 days), as the Special Rapporteur for Satire of the UN High Commission for Human Rights, and as understudy for the male lead in the long-running ‘Pussies -not the Musical' at the Neasden International Palladium (formerly Park Lane Empire).