So I hope we have all synchronized our clocks, watches and computers as of last Saturday.  This was the date when Thai Standard Time came into force. 

Unfortunately press reports failed to mention the exact time on Saturday when we were supposed to start being exactly on time.  But then again, before Thai Standard Time, your 12 noon wouldn't necessarily be the same as my 12 noon, so they might have been worried that we'd start being on time at different times. 

Henceforward, any business or government agency will be required to use Thai Standard Time (give or take 10 milliseconds).  Chronological malefactors can expect swift, or dare I say it, split second retribution from the, er, Naval Hydrographic Department. 

It seems the responsibility for keeping country's clocks ticking in time rests with an Admiral.  Something about the importance of knowing exactly when tides turn.  Somehow this outranks knowing when trains or planes arrive, when the radio should be playing the National Anthem and so on. 

But, old Thai hands will be saying, does this mean the end of the infinite flexibility, the all-encompassing vagueness, the boundless ambiguity of what we have been calling ‘Thai time'? If everyone is supposed to know when meetings start, how do you justify turning up an hour late?  Or not at all? 

Fear not. 

In a few semi-secret codicils to the Thai Standard Time regulations, there are enough get-out clauses to keep us all happy.  And happily late.  Prachatai has been fortunate enough to obtain unofficial copies of the most important exceptions and exemptions.

An appropriate time

Use of this expression can be continued by politicians and government officials faced with intractable problems to refer to an indefinite moment in the future when a decision will be made, action taken, laws enforced, etc.  Its effective meaning remains ‘never'.

The auspicious time

This refers to a moment selected by a monk, Brahmin priest, fortune-teller or one of those ingratiating men on the street who tell you are lucky because of your face.  This moment will be the one when a ceremony, meeting or event can be declared open, marriage declared, curses issued, etc, as long as it is within a few minutes or so of when the ceremony, meeting, event, marriage, etc., was going to happen anyway. 

Toilet time

This is the amount of time a person can expect to be allowed in a toilet cubicle without attracting unwanted attention.  The period varies with social status on a sliding scale.  At the bottom end, so to speak, factory workers are allowed a maximum of 2 minutes (toilet paper charged extra).  A Prime Minister, however, is allowed one hour or as long as a press presence outside the cubicle is maintained.  Special advisors to the Ministry of Public Health with the title ‘Mr Happy Toilet' enjoy special privileges and are allowed to spend all day in there (appropriate reading matter provided).

Doing time

This is a colloquial term applied to the criminal classes.  It must never be applied to a high-ranking politician, government official or military officer. 

Overtime

This refers to the voluntary period of work performed by wager-earners who don't mind risking their jobs by choosing not to do it.  For all other workers, it is in effect compulsory additional time spent at work so that the employer can meet order deadlines, maximise profits for shareholders, and justify management bonuses, all for the benefit of the national economy.

Killing time

With the establishment of Thai Standard Time, killing time becomes an offence under the statutes dealing with treason, rebellion and destruction of government property.  Any abuse of the term with reference to policemen hanging about for hours waiting to put on their white gloves for a motorcade will be dealt with under the laws governing lèse majesté.