The horrific and deadly attacks on hotels, a station, a Jewish centre and other sites in Mumbai have led the media to call this episode India’s 9/11.

 

How right they are.

 

When the attacks occurred, the leadership of India went into hiding for a day and only emerged when it was clear the immediate threat of further attacks was over.

 

Oh no, sorry, that was just Bush.

 

The attacks provoked the Indian government into implementing emergency ‘continuity of government’ measures, without bothering to tell the Indian parliament abut this until months later.

 

Oh no, sorry, that was Bush again.

 

The attack on Mumbai was considered by India’s allies as an attack on them and they prepared to join forces to plan an armed response.

 

Oh no, that was just NATO and ANZUS falling in behind the US.

 

Le Monde newspaper carried a sympathetic banner headline reading ‘Nous sommes tous Indiens’.

 

Sorry, no, they must have forgotten.

 

The President of India, in an address to the nation, warned other countries that ‘you’re either with us or against us’ in the global war on terror.

 

Whoops, wrong again.  That was Bush.  The Indians haven’t been bullying the rest of the world.

 

The Prime Minister of the UK immediately dropped all other business and jetted to attend a joint session of the Indian parliament in a show of solidarity with the Indian government and people.

 

Except that was Blair, and Brown stayed home.

 

And while its PM was sitting in the visitor’s gallery, the UK was praised by the Indian President.  India has no truer friend, he said.

 

But there was no PM, no praise, and no truer friend.

 

Since the killers had arrived by a hi-jacked fishing boat, the Indian government immediately ordered all shipping into port, just like the US shut down all flights.  Ships en route for India were diverted to neighbouring countries, one of which was singled out for commendation by the President, who said that India had no truer friend.

 

Except that they didn’t, of course, and India still has no friends.

 

When it was learned that the attackers were foreigners, India immediately safeguarded the nationals of that country, and let them leave the country on specially commissioned flights.  It then prepared to attack a completely different country on the other side of the world and started to spread misleading information about a third country that had nothing to do with the attack so that public opinion would support a later invasion of this country.

 

No, the Indians got it wrong again.  Once they had identified the attackers as Pakistanis, they started blaming the Pakistani government.  How predictable.

 

Since the number of Indians killed in the attacks greatly outnumbered the number of foreigners, the international media focussed almost entirely on the loss of Indian life, mentioning the foreign minority only occasionally.

 

Well, actually, it was sort of the other way round.

 

The Indian parliament immediately passed a massive new law (so large that legislators did not have the time to read it), representing one of the biggest reorganizations of government in history.  This law also included measures, prepared before the attacks, for curtailing civil liberties and allowing unprecedented government spying on its own citizens. 

 

Not quite.  The Indian Prime Minister has called again for the creation of a federal investigation agency, but no one expects this to happen immediately.

 

And lastly, the Indian nation experienced a collective angst, asking again and again, why their country should have been the target of this attack.  And the answer they came up with was that the attackers hate their values, their freedoms, and their exemplary way of life.

 

Are you kidding me?

 

About author:  Bangkokians with long memories may remember his irreverent column in The Nation in the 1980's. During his period of enforced silence since then, he was variously reported as participating in a 999-day meditation retreat in a hill-top monastery in Mae Hong Son (he gave up after 998 days), as the Special Rapporteur for Satire of the UN High Commission for Human Rights, and as understudy for the male lead in the long-running ‘Pussies -not the Musical' at the Neasden International Palladium (formerly Park Lane Empire). And if you believe any of those stories, you might believe his columns.