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Viral Conspiracy

If I might call this meeting to order, please.  Thank you, thank you.

Pardon? Yes, you may continue replicating during this meeting, but quietly, please.  No cheering unless you turn into a particularly virulent mutation, OK?

So I declare this meeting of Covid-19 International, Thailand Chapter, now open.

First item on the agenda, report from the chair.  I think you’ve all got a copy of the last quarter’s figures and I apologize for not having a PowerPoint presentation for you.  I know it’s Thailand, but with viruses not having opposable thumbs, and not having thumbs at all in fact, well, we will have to do without.

But I’m sure you all join me in welcoming the increase in infections, disease and deaths that we have managed in Thailand these past few weeks.

Of course, when we look at what our organization has managed in the US and UK and what our brothers and sisters are achieving in India and Brazil as we speak, we realize that there is still a lot of opportunity out there.  And the message from head office is that this is the time for action, so get out there and infect, infect, infect.  (Cheers from the audience).

While basking in our success, we must however, strike a note of humility.  We could not have achieved a truly global pandemic on our own, we have to admit.  We have been amply aided and abetted by the incompetence, wilful ignorance and macho arrogance of many world leaders, notably Presidents Trump and Bolsanaro, and Prime Ministers Johnson and Modi. 

Sadly, President Trump is no longer in a position to help us (though he remains a steadfast supporter of our cause), while other astonishingly inept leaders risk losing upcoming elections.  So we must redouble our efforts to achieve maximum catastrophe before voters can come to their senses. 

Those that are left after we’ve dealt with them of course.  (Laughter.)

There are challenges on the horizon, however, and we must face up to these.  One that may not have received the attention it deserves concerns the dangerous proliferation of women becoming national leaders.  Jacinda Ardern in New Zealand, Mette Frederiksen of Denmark, Sanna Marin of Finland, Katrín Jakobsdóttir of Iceland and Tsai Ing-wen of Taiwan have proved formidable foes to our campaign of world propagation.

For this reason, the Coronavirus Coalition, which includes our allies SARS and MERS and even good old influenza (Cheers) and many others currently lurking among the zoonoses, has passed a unanimous resolution committing the organization to support Patriarchy in all its forms. (Polite applause.)

This of course follows the declaration a few weeks ago in support of White Supremacy which has so effectively limited the supply of vaccines to places where people are mostly not white.

Now I know that the challenge that worries most of you concerns the vaccine programmes being rolled out around the world. And I know from personal experience the frustration of successfully achieving transmission from one person to another, only to find antigens lying in wait.

But this is not the end of the war.  Covid-19 International has a long-term strategy where mutation is the game-changer.  The more we can replicate, the more we will mutate and the more likely it will be that one day soon, we will render all current vaccines impotent against our redoubled strength.

So the message again is infect, infect, infect, so that we can replicate, replicate, replicate.  (Resounding cheers.)  And I look forward to the day, in the not too distant future, where the majority of participants in our meetings are virus-resistant variants, the future heroes of our relentless drive for world contamination. (More cheering.)

But it is unlikely that we will be able to achieve our objectives by our own efforts.  Human beings, at least some of them, can be wily opponents and if we are not careful, they may use their collective abilities in science and technology to outwit and overcome our endeavours.

But fear not. They may be able to produce vaccines; they may be able to develop disease control mechanisms.  But they will never be able to get themselves organized in the same way that we are organized. 

Greed and arrogance have hampered their efforts so far.  But our best ally has been and will be good old-fashioned human stupidity, which will not be disappearing any time soon.  For that reason our best minds are working on ways in which each of us will be able to infect people not just with the coronavirus, but with ignorance as well.

If we are successful, humans will develop irrational fears of vaccines, reject containment measures like social distancing, masks and lockdowns, continue to elect clueless and corrupt leaders, and grow a belief that they are somehow special and immune from infection.

And then we will strike, and we will win. (Loud cheering and chants of ‘vir-US, vir-US’)

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