Spokespersons for the Israeli government repeatedly claim that, in a sincere attempt to avoid civilian casualties, Palestinians living the Gaza strip are sent telephone warnings to leave their homes.  These calls are made an hour or two before their homes become the target of attacks by bombers, helicopter gunships, drones, artillery, gunboats, tanks and ground troops.  This is supposed to give them enough opportunity to avoid becoming yet another statistic in the growing number of Palestinian dead and injured.

The scene is the Civilian Communications Command Centre of the Israeli Defence Forces, Operation Cast Lead.  A new shift is about to start work and is taking instructions from their supervisor.

Supervisor:

OK, so we’ve been told Sector 17 South of Beit Lahia will be tonight’s first targets.  The numbers are on your screens, we’ve got 2 hours less 5 minutes before the first shells strike, so hit those phones.

Operative 1:

Hello, is that, er, Mr El-Hammala?

No?  Who is this speaking, please?

Well, could I speak to your Daddy?  Is he there?

Oh, he went out looking for food 2 days ago and you haven’t seen him since.  I see.  And do you expect him back in the next 2 hours?

You’re not sure.  OK, well if he does come back, could you ask him to call this number because we have some very, very important information for him.

Thank you.

 

Operative 2:

Good evening, is this the Marghoub residence?

I’m sorry?  How many families are living there now?

Well, I never.  It must be awfully cramped.

Yes, well, I think I have good news for you, because you won’t have to stay there much longer.

Well, more of an expulsion than an evacuation, really.  It’s just that your apartment block will be blasted to smithereens at about 7.50.

Do have a nice day.

Operative 3:

Hello?  Hello?

Can you speak louder?  I can’t hear you very clearly.

Is that someone playing the drums in the background?

It’s what?  Artillery shells landing?

Are you sure?  You’re not supposed to get shelled for another 2 hours yet.

Sorry, what number is this?

Oops.  My mistake, wrong number.  Yes, you should have received a warning about 4 hours ago.  Never mind.  Sorry to have bothered you.  Enjoy your evening

 

Operative 4:

Hello?

What?  Dani’s Pizza Delivery Service?

How come you’re still operating after 3 weeks of bombardment?  I thought there were no food supplies in Gaza.

You’re not in Gaza?

Oh, I see.  You’re in Ashdod.  Silly me, I must have forgotten to dial the Gaza prefix.

Right.  So you’re part of the terrified population of Southern Israel.  You know, I can scarcely imagine what you’re going through.

So you gave to suspend deliveries every time the sirens go off?  That’s terrible.

Well, I’m sorry if my call has alarmed you unnecessarily, but I can’t stay here chatting.  I must go, there’s a Palestinian family I have to warn about their imminent obliteration.

 

Operative 5:

Good evening, sir, I wonder if …

No, sir, I wasn’t aware that you were asleep.

Yes, I can imagine it’s the first sleep you’ve had in three days.

Well, I’m sorry to hear you take that attitude, sir, because believe me, we are calling you in your own best interests.

Sir, if it wasn’t for my call, there’s a chance you would still be sleeping when we start trying to kill you in about 90 minutes from now.  I really think you should show more appreciation.

If you prefer to die in peace, that’s your own decision, of course.  But let me just point out sir, that is entirely due to the humanitarian spirit of the Israeli Defence Forces that you have that choice.

And a very good night to you too.

 

About author:  Bangkokians with long memories may remember his irreverent column in The Nation in the 1980's. During his period of enforced silence since then, he was variously reported as participating in a 999-day meditation retreat in a hill-top monastery in Mae Hong Son (he gave up after 998 days), as the Special Rapporteur for Satire of the UN High Commission for Human Rights, and as understudy for the male lead in the long-running ‘Pussies -not the Musical' at the Neasden International Palladium (formerly Park Lane Empire). And if you believe any of those stories, you might believe his columns.